slowly falling apart and not a soul notices.
i can’t lie and say i’m not terrified of starting chemo tomorrow. i don’t know how to keep this a secret anymore.
(Source: youtookthatonemoment)
you never know what you’ll do when faced with a problem you could never predict.
one day, you wake up to find out that you are pregnant with a boy who’s heart you broke. one day, you have to get the nerve to tell him. one day, you go on the most wonderful “first” date with that boy and eat at your favorite restaurant and lay under the stars.
one day, you wake up and lose that baby. a baby that, despite everything it brought with it that was wrong, made you feel complete. a baby that was made, no matter the amount of alcohol, out of love. because i love that boy more than i ever thought i could at 14. and you have to go and break that boy’s heart again. you have to tell him that his child, a child he talked about constantly and wanted to be a girl so bad, is gone. you have to sit there, still as strangers and yet not, and watch him be strong for you even though you don’t deserve it.
and then life carries on. and you visit your sister in rehab for her eating disorder. you help your brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews. you pack lunches, you clean the house, you walk kids to the school bus and back. and then you try and figure out what happens now, what happens with that wonderful man that you love so much.
one day, you wake up at 4 am and lose it. you get so angry that you scream and throw a vase across the room. you change your clothes, you put on your shoes, and you tear out into the pouring rain and run until you get to that goddamn house. and you take the key and open the door, and the dog is barking so much that it wakes him up. and he meets you at the bottom of the stairs with you soaking wet. you complicate everything again by staying the night and giving him all you’ve got.
then things get easier. you start to go to the beach together, to run together, to watch all of those kids together. you start to think that maybe life is going to work out.
but it doesn’t.
one day, you wake up with your body aching and head pounding. you brush it off as nothing for days. you throw up now and again, but you don’t tell anyone. you notice the few bruises that pop up and make excuses. you start to pull away from the boy again. you pull away from your family. and then you get a fever and lose your apetite and you know something isn’t right. so you go to the doctor and they take your blood. and you sit there on the table with the same ache in your stomach as you did when you were 14, waiting on test results. and then you snap.
and you leave the doctor’s office and go back home. you think ignoring the problem will make it go away until the doctor calls that night and your brother answers. you tell him it’s nothing.
the next day, you wake up and pack a bag and leave. you drive to birmingham, and eventually stay with family in memphis. your uncle is no fool and figures you out, begging for you to stay and find out the results.
instead, you run again. you go to arizona and stay in a small hotel in a small town. you lose track of times those days as you run around in the red dirt, hiking and climbing. the bruises on your arms and legs are black, but you deny what they mean.
eventually, you go back to memphis and finally back home. you throw away the letter that is sitting on the counter addressed to you that you know has your request to see the doctor.
one day, you wake up, suck it up, get in the car and drive yourself to the doctor. you sit in his office as he tells you that the goddamn leukemia that ruined your life is here to make another attack. that they don’t know how bad it is, and that you start chemo in a few days. that your miscarriage probably was caused by the strain on your body from the cancer. your head spins, you turn white, and you leave feeling like there’s nothing worth living for.
and you go to your favorite spot, the lake with the smooth rock. and you sit there wondering why you even are bothering to live at that point. you vow to try and keep it from everyone that you can because you can’t bare to see the looks on their faces for a second time.
you go home to find that fucking gorgeous boy pushing your 2 year old niece in a swing in the front yard, the both of them laughing and smiling. and it stabs you in the chest like a hot knife, and it twists as you watch him throw her up in the air and catch her in a hug, because you know that this fucking disease took away your child. and tears spring to your eyes as he carries her inside because you know you have to break his heart again.
how do you do that? how to hurt someone that loves you so much? how can you ever possibly forgive yourself?
there’s so much to think about and explain and deal with. i don’t want to. i want to sleep on this beach for the rest of my life.
(Source: quidditch-pitch)
back in a crowded coffee shop in memphis. i always forget how much i hate the city.
(Source: claustrophobicvampire)
(Source: artfullyawkward)
